I am overcome by feelings and things. I jot the feelings in my notebook and sometimes they become musical things. Right now my body feels like it could explode into music. There are so many ideas, feelings and things cartwheeling up and down my spine. Ester Perel once said, ‘Love is at once an affirmation and a transcendence of who we are’. Some of us settle for sex when love is elusive.
Many a times I joke and say ‘I am a Scorpio, sexual intimacy matters a great deal…’ In a world that demands individuality and offers praise for all things separate and alone – sex offers us, or me, a sense of completion; a delicious reminder of the oneness from which we all originate. And let’s be frank with each other – a good fuck feels great! Still I had to delve a bit deeper and ask myself – just why do I fuck the way I do? Why is the energy so different with one person and what does is reveal about who I am? Do I fuck to lose control, to gain it, to be of service to the other or from a space of deep and abiding love? If I am fucking to lose control – what is it that restricts and binds me? If I am fucking to gain control – control of what and why? If I am fucking to be of service – could I engage honestly with another when the tables are turned?
The admission that very few of my sexual encounters over the last few years stemmed from deep love was rather alarming. At best it was an itch I needed to scratch, a need to be taken care of. Like the mandatory visit to the dentist! Luckily I know an excellent dentist. On the rare occasions the sexual exchange was so all-encompassing and intense it rattled free every troubling thought. I literally burst into words and music after the sweat dried… and all the music penned came from a place of deep desire and longing.
Deep desire and longing – those words trouble me. A longing for what, for whom or am I destined to live with this void I feel? Am I meant to weave of web of words and music to catch others and myself from plummeting into darkness? On certain days the echoes from the void become overwhelming, and all they speak of is my Aloneness. Another troubling admission – how to engage with someone who offers you everything? My Aloneness and the way I relate to men in and out of bed now makes absolute sense. I have no idea how to accept love – only give it and on my terms only. So I can be safe… And so an important decision was made as I walked. Until I can offer more than crumbs to another or accept crumbs of affection in turn – all my sexual energy will be channeled into music.
I need to create and imagineer a new way of being. The words of Rainer Maria Rilke offer some comfort,
“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue.”
No more visits to the dentist or fast food fucks at my favorite take out joint. Until I know better – Celibacy it is.