My brother and his family from Amsterdam are visiting. Yes, I am cooking and baking. And yes, I love the sound of a house filled with babies and kids as much as I love music. In fact, they are one and the same thing to me.
My brother is a musician and has traversed the rock scene for ages. I love having conversations with him about music and how the different genres work, all the way from shows to actual recording. I draw all of my musicians from the jazz scene and they operate very differently. So hearing the stories is not only fun but enlightening.
I must confess, I had a few worries around how I would achieve certain goals. Yet just by speaking to him the answer arrived, as though by magic!
My brother and I were always close. He would drive me crazy of course. We had this game where I would start a story and he would pick it up midway. Of course that fool would turn my very scary horror stories into comedies. Or we would try to discuss every and all the mysteries of the universe,and pretend to be all deep and shit. We were teenagers then.
Our lives have changed so much over the years. I have seen him through many girlfriends until he met his Dutch wife who has promised me that two years from now we are off to Afrika Burn with my sister while he takes care of the kids. He has seen me through my first marriage, divorce, numerous bad love affairs ( great for music though!)and has kept me sane. He now has a small baby, Joshua Benjamin, or as I call him ( in my mind of course) Lill Ben! Yet music has remained the one thing we love, that we speak about with great excitement.
What’s the point of this blog post, you ask? No, I am not only boasting about my awesome brother. It’s the idea of always remaining excited, optimistic and trusting that the answers will arrive. There is no point, I discovered, in wondering about the why, how and when’s of anything. All it does is generate anxiety and stops that rush of excitement that’s needed at the start and middle of every new venture. Allowing life to unfold, on the other hand, yielded results effortlessly. It doesn’t mean one doesn’t work as hard. It simply makes working hard feel like play.
I found my way to the answers I needed, after I stopped trying to figure it out. While I was cooking and cleaning. As the kids were being their wonderful little selves and the air dense with the smell of food and happy vibes.
Yes, there are wonderful experiences in music awaiting me. I can taste it,smell it…only because I willed it into being with my imagination first. We always find what we need. Or it finds us. I like the mystery involved in it all. If everything was easy and simply given, what would be the point? I can’t imagine not feeling the rush of taking musical risks. And to be clear every decision made is a risk as far as Music and I are concerned. Yet, that has never stopped me from trying and seeing what comes of it.
Once, a long time ago, I said that I wanted a love that felt like music. Only to discover that anything or anyone I love becomes music. And not in the banal sense of the word either. They are woven into every breathe I take, word I write and song I sing. That music remains with me no matter where I go or how cold and hard things may become.
Enough for now….I have a beef pie to make in a few hours and possibly a banana and baked cheesecake for my father, the grumpy dude. And heaven knows, I need all of my strength for that!