‘I am in such a good place,’ I said to a friend ‘that there is no real need to be with anyone special. I hang out with family, write music and home is beautiful and serene.’ Despite Lockdown and not being able to work or stage a performance. This is what I find rather surprising most days to be honest.
Everything I do is very intentional. Whether I write music, visit a friend, cook or change my hairstyle. Wait, let’s just stop a second here. I need to share something that solidified my behavior.
A short while back I had serious words with my Mother. Shouting words. The first in my entire life with her. I left for the weekend and returned with only one decision. I will not be emotionally unavailable to people I love and care for, even if we disagree. Not after 2020 and Daddy dying. Least of all my Mother! I can be silent and not speak to another for weeks if I am deeply upset. Okay, days. Yet, why would I waste so much time, I thought? Why? State your case with love and respect, get some space, regain your balance, laugh and try again. Or leave and accept the sirens called them or us to shipwreck.
The reason why I am not pursuing a relationship is simple. I needed to find peace within myself and in my own home first. Being able to navigate the lives of people I care for matters a great deal more. In short, I am not offering any resistance to the idea of a relationship but neither am I pursuing it. It will come and with it a person who matches my frequency. One that knows themselves and how to anchor peace under any circumstance.
Life is so much gentler just being present wherever I am. Dammit, no wonder my daughter mocks me and calls me the Dalai Lama! I really should smack her next time she says that. Lemme jot that down in a notebook before I forget…
I often think about people in my past, and send them good energy. That boy I sat with at a fire, the rum glass dangling between his fingers. He was so lovely inside and out. And I picture him happy, safe and loved. The same with my evil ex. Happy, chilling with his girlfriend, sipping on some whiskey. It’s funny really….how people in my past assume I despise them. They….are me….in another skin. Why wouldn’t I send them anything but good energy eh? Wait, this doesn’t mean I am gonna invite my evil ex over for supper if you know what I mean. It means that…if he were on fire I would get a hose pipe. Trust me, this was not always the case.
Peace in my damn soul is what I have going on. I have so much to be grateful for, that the idea of giving the people I love anything less than the best of me….feels like heresy. Do you see why Daddy dying was a gift?
It’s 3 in the morning. I should sleep. There are things I need to do.
Ps, my sister took this picture I used in the blog post. The lagoon is a two minute walk away from home. How can I not be at peace eh? How can I not be so grateful for every moment I am here? You are right. I am privileged… to be with the kind of people I am with, living where we are, despite the world being upside down. Trust me, I know