We have all asked ourselves this question: why am I here? This question only ever had one answer for me. To Sing. For Music. There was nothing else. Not to have more kids or be married or save the earth. I was made to sing. Thanks to the pandemic, I am not singing. I am talking nonsense on radio. Naturally, I freaked out. This is how I found peace, being without that which brings me joy.
Look, I freak out when anything that is not part of my plan appears. Lately, I learnt to shut up and go with it. Things and people appear in my life when they are meant to. And they disappear for the very same reason.
In my personal life? I am a safe space to many. And through trial, error and a lot of drama, I learnt exactly who I am safe with. And they are all happy that something offering more …certainty has entered my life.
Whenever I have a free moment I think of Music. Of the kind of things we could create together, what musicians we could work with. The stages we could step on hand in hand…But the last song I wrote was so very dark. I was made to sing and I am not singing. That was the undercurrent, the emotion behind the song I wrote. I walked away from the piano like a wife mad at her husband after an argument. Dammit, just kiss me. Just hold me and tell me everything is gonna work out. But I was met with silence and so kept walking.
It was suggested I date someone. Why? So I can be distracted even more? So I have less time in my day to write music? As I now have to deal with someone else’s feelings and what went right or wrong in their day? For God sake no. I know where to get my needs met, physical and emotional and they are not found in the same person. To be blunt: I wont allow anyone to fuck me over in my career or break my heart again. Singularity of purpose will not allow me to invest an iota more of my time in any single body. And…..breathe. S…l…o…w….e…..r.
Radio and I …we hang out like besties. We eat cheap chips, laugh and forget that people are listening. We meet other people, laugh some more and discuss the news. We think of cool ideas to entertain ourselves, so we dont get bored. I enjoy where I am and the people around me. I could not have asked for more.
My solution? Maintain balance. Give my best each and every day. To those I am with and the space I inhabit. Honor and respect is a given. But never forget why I am here. And it isn’t to waste time on silly things. I was made to sing. Music needs to step up like the mad husband who knows he was wrong and knows he should do more than….bring flowers, smile and expect forgiveness. But let’s see what happens eh?
Time to get up. I have things to do with my bestie. Hehe. And I am not employing flowery language to disguise my true intent. I mean every word. Still, I am enjoying my every day so far…and that, given the state of the world…is a blessing. Every single day is precious as is every person….where and how I expend energy matters…and by doing what I love with those I love…the world becomes just a bit safer. Anyhoo. Have an amazing day you beautiful human being you. I am sending you ( yes you) so much good energy. Xx