Am I one of those people who regards everything as a sign, that attributes greater meaning to the smallest of things? You know the kind who…sees a black rabbit while on a little getaway and wonders if this is a sign Neo and Morpheus are about to ask them to join the cause? Hmm. Nope, but I do have my very mad moments…do allow me to explain.
So my the battery of my car died yesterday. The upside is – I get to walk more. However, I wondered about the last time this happened and what was taking place in my life. Then the penny dropped. I literally moved, as I was drained in every way and felt suffocated. See the link? A friend of mine said looked at me recently and said that it feels like I am ‘powering up and gathering energy’. This is very true. I need a more powerful battery this time round as I have places to go and thing to do.
Yet, my energy is ….serene…as the blue sky above, baby. I am not panicking about anything. Chilled and in my skin and bones. There is nothing frenetic about who and where I am. Goodness, that is a bladdy relief!
I also removed my braids yesterday. I dig braids as I can change my look all the time. Also, the braids made me look just a bit Afro punk. I know it was an attempt to forget a bit of my past as well. So I could look in the mirror and see someone a bit more edgier with zero fucks to give and a heart that wasnt so…soft.
The question I grappled with since 2019 with was…what do I really need? 2020 Answered those questions. Ps a lady does not change her hair for no good reason. It means something, did deeper.
So now I am back to my afro….which is a lot of work by the way! I will rock it for a week and then blow and flat iron my hair to see what look I prefer. Maybe the truth is I feel more like myself now. The hair, the clothes…those are just symbols that shed light. I had to remove the braids for a photo shoot in any case, but why wait…for anything? If the spirit moves me and I feel like braids again, then I will do just that. My life. My rules. I am accountable to no one.
And then there was a time my phone got stolen. Yes, I changed the way I communicated with people. I like to believe I am very clear in my speaking now. No longer hiding behind music or using rounder words to offer people comfort. I can be very abrupt and sharp when needed. The new phone arrived on my birthday. And yes, since Summer Camp and the needed release that occurred in the mountains where my ancestors parked off….I am more consice in my thinking and being. Well, dammit, I bladdywell hope I am!
All I can do is connect the dots. As my external world is a reflection of my internal one. I am ready for whatever comes next. But first, breakfast and off to my German teacher and Gilda. I haven’t seen either of them in a while.
Have a great day wherever you are….you fantastic beast of a human being you! Did I mention just how much I love speaking to you, sharing my intimate thoughts hmm? Look, I must be honest here, I am not sharing all of my intimate thoughts okay? I am mad but not that mad. You would have to visit me and perhaps bring a bottle of whiskey along while I cook. Or not. I might tell you nothing. Depends on how I feel that day and whether I am pimping my afro, braids or styling with curls…..hehe!
Remain beautiful. X