Right now the sun is young woman in her prime, displaying her every delicious curve. I can hear cars racing by, a dog bark and birds trying to be heard. The sound of traffic reminds me of the sea. As does a mass of people. Forever travelling between where they think they should be. Only the sea knows its true nature, its grander purpose while we second guess everything and forget ours.
When there was no music in my life I allowed the water to run in the bath and hummed quietly, slowly. Drop by drop my voice gained strength and volume until I could hear myself. Then an image would appear. I was alone on stage with a single light casting shadows. Why do I mention this? I spent most of my life amidst the noise of others. Loud voices and bold actions. Everything was bombastic and cruel in places. Where do they get the courage from I always wondered and where is mine?
Music taught me to confront myself first. After all, everyone else is just a mirror. And so I sang and discovered ( to my shock and surprise) that I can and have made choices others would not. I dreamed of a city of forests when the ground appeared barren. Little, quiet me who watches, makes notes and turns everything into a story, into music.
We often hear of the term detachment. Let it go they say. Just observe and remove expectation. Everything’s gonna work out. None of this I believed until I grounded myself in music. I am a Scorpio. We are intense and obsessive, especially in love. The object of our affections stand at the centre of who we are, along with the beliefs that define us. So when love goes wrong…we suffer more than anyone suspects. It’s not just a heart that’s been broken but the walls of every house, in every city, mall, restaurant and recreational area we built in our imagination. So we fuck out big time! I know I did.
Over the years I learnt to transfer that depth of feeling and create a world of my own separate from the person I love. It is a place I visit when I write music and I can see everything as clearly as I did when he kissed me the first time. Or as we lay in bed making love while the sun warmed our bodies. It is a place I hang out at when I need to sing. Sometimes for longer if I am in pain. Then I pack my bags and find a spot alone in the sun where I can hear the sounds of the sea and the clarity of my own thoughts.
The very real question I now face is where do I see myself? Not here, that I am certain of. I can feel myself slowly slipping away from the people I call home. I am being drawn deeper into the sea as everyone I know stands on the shore of the beach watching. I imagine this place where music is stuck to the walls, to the wooden floor boards, mired in large glass windows overlooking a sky whose name is unfamiliar. As I write these words I feel such deep longing, the same kind I felt when my voice travelled underneath the water in that bathroom so many years ago.
In time. With time, despite time, I will know. For now my job is simple. Enjoy the sun, the faces of those I love and make music. Everything is indeed working in my favor. Plans are afoot, the wheels are turning….or so says the many sounds of the sea.