I am guilty. It’s me and I own up to it. I was red from head to toe.
India, India, India…you beautiful beast. Thank you for reflecting who I was in the process of becoming if I didn’t stop dead in my tracks.
India, the lockdown and Daddy dying gave me ample time to look at my own shitty behavior.
Only in India did I realise that I was more open to the fantasy of another than the reality of the person. I had to confront the fact that my heart lay somewhere else, with someone else and I needed to reclaim it and…stop being untrue.
Also, I really didn’t want to hurt another human being in the process. I was sparing both of us a lot of drama and trauma by leaving. I wondered why I felt guilty when I thought of someone I considered dating seriously and now I know why.
I was guilty. Guilty of creating expectations and hope where I knew, deep down, there was none. Wait, even that’s a lie. I knew from the very start this is not the person for me. In fact I knew it the second and third time also. But I was lonely, heartbroken and he was there.
I tried apologizing of course…but to no avail. And rightfully so. It was all a lie, a fantasy I was weaving…and perhaps a part of him wanted to believe it also.
Still I needed time. Time to reflect why I fell head over heels in love with another in the first place, what qualities I want to embody in the future and the characteristics I desire in a lover.
Then Daddy died and only now could I dissect my guilt. My hands were not clean. But even this I knew at the start.
Well, take a look at the video and if any part of you is as red as I was….perhaps a time out is needed. A small pause to reflect and reclaim eh?
Then….try to be and do better going ahead.