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Many friends call for advice regarding their love lives. If you knew just how batty and twisted I am this would not seem like the logical thing to do! Anyhoo – I thought I would share some of the bits and bobs I picked up along the way…it being Valentine’s Day soon.

Lets get real with each other. Someone who is into you  will not only text. They will call. Even better yet, they will rock up to see your ass. Even if only for an hour and even if nookie isn’t on the table. I once drove 10 hours only to spend 2 hours with someone I like. That, people, is called making an effort.

Men are not complicated. They show you how much or how little you mean to them right off the bat. If you like someone and they are always busy and treat you like an afterthought  – you fucking them and declaring undying love will not change this.

They will show you rather quickly the regard they have or don’t have. Do not waste your time thinking you can change them.  Their Mother’s couldn’t and neither could the carcasses they dated in the past. Fuck them if so moved to and lose their number. Trust me they will hang on to yours.

When things get lost in translation pick up the phone and get the clarity you need. Do not stalk the object of your affections, or fish for the truth amongst their friends by asking strange ambiguous questions. Granted, if you dig far enough some patterns of behavior might emerge but if this is someone you care for or mildly like… Would you really risk it Sherlock?

Ask about their sexual history. This should be a given. In fact turn it into a fun game and ask what  the oddest scenarios they ever found themselves in. Then pay close attention. Now we have all made stupid mistakes in the past. What one should wonder about is how often those ‘mistakes’ are repeated. That, my lovelies, is part of their overall character and it is best you know it before the shit hits the fan.  Also knowing how sexual your partner is helps. Nothing worse than being shocked while in the throes of passion eh?

And stop being so damn nice! It’s a waste of time. Some people enjoy the attention. The texting, calls, flowers and teddy bears and shit. Yet, we all know when we are around someone we really like. Now here’s the important bit – be honest, take it slow and have no expectations. We are all just human dammit and deserve someone who will not only treat us well but love us regardless. Never settle. Let me repeat that. Never, ever settle. Love should be extraordinary and is when you met your match. And if it isn’t extraordinary it should at least be a hell of a lot of fun!

Take the object of your affection to meet people who are important to you before you fall in love. Falling in love makes one stupid, this I know well. You can’t think straight and even the foolish person’s driest jokes are hilarious. Allow those you trust to do a thorough check and hear them out.

Core values have to be identified. Do you want kids? Marriage? How do you feel about religion, politics, money, raising kids, fidelity, bad food or cheap whiskey? Falling in love is great but let’s be practical. How would living with the person you love look like on a daily basis?

If someone says they want something light – most likely they will fuck a few people on the side. In fact everything will be ‘on the side’ – you included. And that’s great if it is made clear from the start and those liberties are extended to you.

People are not assholes. Now this is something hard to hear but bear with me. When someone says crap like ‘I can’t give you what you deserve’ they are  low key saying ‘I would treat you better if you were someone I really liked.’ Trust me if the person who ticks all the boxes came along – you would risk everything FOR THEM. Even if they entered their lives at an inconvenient time.  They are not assholes…they are just being assholish – to you. As you are not what they need or desire. That might be hard to swallow but hey, I am trying to save you from years of heartbreak.

Your lover does not have  the answer to all the questions in the mulitverse and is not responsible for your happiness. You are. Do not take the object of your affections too seriously. Playfully ignore them in places but ensure you have a life independent of them. And enjoy every dam second of it. Hang with your people, watch movies alone or volunteer somewhere. Also, keep the mystery going. Allow people to earn your trust and always try to be kind.

Being able to negotiate terms and conditions matter. People change. Their taste in music, food and sex. Pay attention and negotiate what is allowed and when. No one’s private lives function along the same tired lines. There are a myriad ways of being. Decide what works for the two or three of you…and pay attention when things change. Also, there are no straight lines when falling for someone. Life happens. Deal with it and do not run. Talk, talk, laugh, eat and have great sex while you are at it! And if the sex is bad…eh, I can’t help you out there…That is a hell no one should have to endure!

Finally a reminder and a quote. The gods have a sense of humor and believe in variety and contrast. You will meet amazing people and really odd ones. Not everyone who enters your life will stay. Even if you love them. Personally, I do not think they are meant to. Remember what my dude Rumi said, ‘Do not grieve for what you have lost will come in another form.’

In the meantime smile, smell good and wear sexy underwear. You might just get lucky and meet the love of your life. Or hell, you might just get lucky..