Diane Ackerman once said, “The great affair with life, the love affair, is to live as variously as possible, to groom one’s curiosity as a high spirited thoroughbred, climb aboard and gallop…”
I have a theory that a small ecosystem starts to develop when like minded people gather. Perhaps its own atmosphere as well, allowing almost similar particles to enter bodies, that we metabolize at different rates and speeds. But there is something indefinably other we experience collectively. And it calls us back each time, each year…. Forgive me, I am talking about Summercamp.
The irony that I found silence at a music festival or engaged with deep prayer on the dancefloor has not escaped me. But hey, we all have our thang! I did not speak to a single soul about anything that mattered and men were ignored. I dance and danced until I exhausted my skin.
I am deeply aware of the Music I need to write…. that I am avoiding. Nothing aside from writing music alone at my piano has come to me with ease. And even that took three years of self discipline where I composed one new song every day. And these last few years tore at my skin. I have so much music that cant breathe…. It darkened my inner landscape so much so that escape was needed. Escape where to? With whom? Doing what? And so deeper within myself I dug.
My daughter termed it Dark Elf Energy. Personally, I think she just made it up on the spot as a avid dungeons and dragons player. But Dark Elf Energy seems to be what I have an abundance of. This is what I silently asked to be relieved of. A catharsis I would normally find when performing Music…I found on a dancefloor.
When I am home, I will write music and cry as I sit at the piano. I missed my Mother so much and wondered how she carries on after my father died. I wish I knew such bravery, had such faith.
Every day is hard sometimes, the grief and collective loss, the confinement. Galloping like a thoroughbred feels near impossible. And that’s okay…its all gonna be okay. Even if it feels like it won’t be. I will find Music for that feeling and a way to relieve myself of it and maybe then galloping off into a somewhere is possible. But for now? There’s this…and accepting this “where I am right now-ness” is all I have to master.