My uncle is dead. Why does any death feel so much worse this time around? I should have known it would remind me of my father passing.
All the legendary stories I heard about my uncle…came from his friends when last I was in Ct a few months ago. My favorite memory? He looked at me very sternly and said, ‘Now Auriol, I am your elder so you will do as I ask…’ I did as I was told and dutifully rolled him a joint. Later, we stole some wine from someone’s table, gossiped and laughed! He was fun. Free and beyond giving one single fuck. And he loved that I am a musician.
My daughter ended up putting me to sleep as all I could say over and over was….I miss my father. Yeah, that shocked even me. I think I freaked her out. As she has never seen me cry before. I also made my Mother promise me…. to not die before I have a someone special in my life. As I can’t imagine loosing her and being alone. I don’t want to have to be strong all the time.
Every day I remind myself….life is cyclical and filled with contrast. We see the best and the worse in people. It’s all just a balancing act, remaining sane. And how we make sense of what happens is our business alone.
All I can do is offer love and care, create circles of safety wherever I go. Write music when I am not sad, when I can think clearly. And get on stage whenever I can, to let go of what I feel. As I have so much to be grateful for.
We all do. Regardless of what our world might look like.