Again, sharing bits of the book that was written. I am obsessed with love – and the silly notion that it does transcend everything.
Three years, 11 moths, 2 weeks, 7 hours …since you’ve been gone
This is what I failed to share with my Sammy on the eve of her wedding day. She asked me, point blank, why I chose you and no one else. Would you be hurt if I told you that I was so taken aback that I had no answer for a minute or two? I could see the rising panic and so said
-Jay always makes me pause.
How can I explain that, with you I learnt to stop, to slow my entire world down so I could love you more? So that I would not miss a single moment, or have to rush to my piano to fill the gaps and search frantically for the melody, the words to express the …fullness of your love? It’s impossible I have learnt, and god knows I have tried in all our years together, to find the one true song that rings in my head, my heart, my entire being. No, explaining that kind of love to one’s child is impossible. It takes time, demands experience, a world of hurt and, and I don’t know if I have the nerve to tell her just how hard my path towards you has been.
I paused with you. I paused as you cooked, as you spoke in a crowded room; I paused to make sure that my heart was safe with the one person who walked around the room smiling.
Except when you made love to me. You always wondered why I barely spoke afterwards, while you exploded into words! Darling, lover of mine….most of the times I was so lost in the sensation of you, your voice, the small and big expressions, your hands, mouth, the nothingness- and everythingness of being ensnared in you, that I …I could only pause after you left.
And now, now that you are no longer with me – all I have left are my pauses…