Sometimes I have an urge to call up a few people and say, ‘Listen here you little asshole….just what the sweet general f**k is wrong with you eh?’ I am sure everyone has this urge from time to time. I don’t act on it because….well….my father was the biggest asshole around. And I wanted to be nothing like him growing up.
Did I mention that many years ago I stopped speaking to him? I was still a teenager living at home and did not utter one word for a few years. Only when my daughter was a year and a few months old did I acknowledge him. I am a Scorpio. I know how to injure and where to strike. I choose not to.
I always ask myself: who would I be and how would I act if I didn’t believe what I believed this second? Would I be an asshole also? Or would I act another way?
Rarely does anyone upset me to the point where I lose perspective or my footing. Twice. I lost my shit twice and both as I was getting divorced. Never. Ever. Again. No man, woman or situation will ever affect me that way again. So in many instances my friends would complain, ‘Why don’t you tell that person off? Can’t you see what they are doing’ They get very frustrated with me. Of course I see. Obviously I know…
Would it help showing how hurt or disappointed I am? Would it help you seeing me cry?
I am a reasonable human being. I try my best to communicate my needs. If after everything the person sitting across from me still doesn’t get it….then why the sweet general f**k would showing more emotional anguish help?
So go ahead…..See me as weak. Judge me as not being strong enough because I didn’t lose my shit and act like a damsel in distress. Or worse still a complete asshole who hurts and injured others because they are in pain.
My father taught me how to be more human because he failed so many times. In India I realised I don’t have to be around difficult people anymore. I am not that kid seeking love from a hard human being. The ease I give others is what I desire in turn. I won’t deal with broken men in need of healing. Not after what I experienced as a child or what I saw in France.
Some men are only healed by the women they love. I have seen it so many times, especially in my father’s case. Other men heal themselves. While others drink, fuck around to become numb. We are all only human and found ourselves somewhere along that spectrum. And while we don’t heal in isolation, a small bit of awareness goes a long way.
I have empathy for days my people. But I won’t allow that energy into my life. Not ever again. Life is glorious and short. Did I mention that? It’s ephermeal and sublime in places.
All the people I invite into my life are there because I choose them and they chose me. And none of them are assholes.
If you look at your life, what is it you are actively choosing? How much of an asshole are you?