The state of my heart bothers me this morning. One of two things has to happen. I need to either spend time around people or sing more. I will lose my mind or it will run away with me. A friend said yesterday many people do not share their pain for fear of being branded a victim. Is that how I am perceived, I wondered.Some bad shit happened blah blah and I am trying to deal with it blah blah blah and then bobs-your-uncle I created MUSIC….
My balance amounts to this – everything I need, desire and wish for is placed into music. In fact now that I blog I really do not need to share my feeling with anyone. I do not want to be a burden to anyone in any way. When I have dealt with my fears I will inform the relevant parties.No wonder my daughter says I am cold. I keep everyone at a great distance. I won’t take a risk on anyone easily. The connection has to be exceptional, or the sex….or both. So I can breathe and write more music. Or sleep well.
When and how did I become this person?
I attended a family member’s birthday party and thought, ‘By the time I was your age my daughter was four…’ That is what sparked the bit of writing a few days ago (If I found music when younger who would I have become). I stood watching these kids and thought, ‘I want to leave now and write music. Or think about music…’ The truth is it bothered me, all that sound. The clashing of bodies against each other, the clinking of bottles, the music that bypassed the heart chakra and thump by thump seduced one into openly displaying one’s baser needs.It bothered me because I could see and feel what was beneath it all. A simple desire for acceptance and love masquerading as this…
How do people do it? Just walk into the world the way they do, with their hearts so wide open? Don’t they know…did they forget because bad music is playing and horribly whiskey and vodka is on the table?
There are words I will not use when dealing with another person. Love is at the top of the list and trust. I don’t know if anyone can trust me. Hell, sometimes I don’t trust myself! What if I get it wrong and unknowingly hurt you? What if the way I love you is not enough? What if, and despite giving my all and struggling to be more you still looked at me accusingly and say I do not know what to do with your love?What then?
My girlfriend says I have not met my match. In fact I have not met a male musician I had interest in who has not felt threatened and did some weird shit. I left of course. I always leave and retreat back into music. No, I have not met my match in music or in love. I know I do not make it easy when I say, ‘If I date a musician, he had to be better than Ben Harper…’ But fuckit, I would rather be alone than settle for mediocrity. As I would never offer that to another. Or worse still replicate the love I see between my parents. Fight, fight, fight for years. He gets sick and is busy dying now everyone thinks they were always happy. How could my Mother stand it for so long? Wait, she has that skinny white Jesus. And I have music.
This album is missing a song or three. It’s best I keep writing until I do and throw every other thing I feel into the music. On a funny note both my ex husband and The Mexican pulled the same prank. News just broke said the one. You have a phone call said the other. It has just been announced that….wait for it…and don’t be shocked…Ben Harper is gay. I laughed and said to both of them that I would love his music more if he was! Anyway, let me go to the shops and get some smokes.