This is what drove me crazy for the last…uhmm…ten years! I was answering the wrong questions all the time! But I reckon this is the way of it. We have a vague idea of what we suspect we might need and so plod along.
The answers always come in the form of people, experiences or life itself. Like the Harpernator said…nothing prepares you for your Art more than life itself. Hell, nothing prepares you for your life…than life itself dammit! Still – where to look? How to make of what you see?
The need to Express myself clearly has been at the center of everything. I searched for it in Music itself instead of looking closer, deeper within. Goodness, I fell insanely in love last year and nothing could have prepared me for the explosion of feeling I experienced. It was wonderously delirious and scary at the same time. Yet….what was it I was really falling in love with eh? What was it I failed to see all along that he reflected? And that was the question this year answered. He told me, you know. I just wasnt paying attention. And so I ran, searched to find it.
Knowing makes all the difference I tell you! As does Death itself. Yesterday I recorded a vlog I hope to post today. If I compare the vlog to the online performance recorded while we were rehearsing….all I can conclude is this. Summer Camp, like Afrika Burn was needed. A space and place in time where I shed all the skins I no longer needed to wear. I looked haggard and tired during that performance. At the end of my rope kinda vibes. As I truly was.
While I am a lot more determined and firm in my being…so much of who I am is a lot more gentler. There’s more empathy I reckon. Empathy I direct towards myself. Others were never the issue. Man, I have understanding for damn days when it comes to my people! I just forgot myself along the way and tried to hide behind music for so long.
Alas, those days are done. Life is here and every second an adventure of sorts. So let’s go! Let’s do it dammit! Now…to find a song and get out of my pajamas. It’s about the small things…