How many times have you thought, ‘What is it I am doing wrong that I always end up feeling this way?’ Often this thought hits when one is rather drunk, after a few bottles of something wicked has been consumed. Wherever you are, whatever it is you are feeling and even the people you are stuck with while in lockdown is no accident.
If you are struggling now… the ugly truth is your life was always a bit of a mess. You were just too busy running.
And we are being asked big questions. Issues around how we are governed globally. Clearly we are being shown the flaws in every sector of society as well as individually. The Internet, where our desires were monitored and then sold back to us, thereby causing a huge amount of anxiety and isolation, has now been used to reconnect and create social cohesion.Yet, the fact that the entire human race is being asked to look deeper within and outside of themselves will have consequences.
Even I was forced to ask myself a few hard questions. But these questions knocked on my door while in India.The primary emotion I was confronted with was guilt. How many times have I allowed the judgements of others to guilt me into action or non action? And why have I swallowed their judgements and allowed it to color my inner landscape grey…
The roots of my guilt stem from childhood of course. Music has allowed me to break away from a certain amount of conditioning. But guilt has deprived me of what I desire deeply : a son. I can’t begin to tell you how many times being a musician was used against me. And so I was labelled irresponsible, a dreamer, not logical, a bad Mother, a weird girlfriend. These were thrown at me by people I love. And so I retreated into music to regain my balance and let go of toxic emotions. Emotions I could howl out in anger or let loose with tears on the safety of the stage…before I walked away from them or freed myself.
And so I became very cautious, ticking boxes. Choosing the safer path. And by being overly cautious….I became reckless instead. And at the root of it was was one emotion: guilt. Being in India forced me to be truthful with myself about things that were just not working anymore. I see so many people asking themselves the very same questions as Corona does her catwalk across the world stage.
Humans, we love formulas, patterned ways of being or thought we can travel along in order to find what we need. Most artists do not have that luxury. We feel a strong pull towards something, be it a means of expression, an experience or a person. And we follow it until whatever epiphany finds its ways to us. And so we are branded by others. Judged and sometimes left out in the cold. Painful yes, but that energy is transmuted.
But to be honest, I am enjoying lockdown. The urgency of the music, the noise of my family and the balance I am maintaining since India is rather wonderful.
There is only one thing I am certain of. I can deal with whatever comes next…and dammit, I am less afraid. Are you?