I opened for Ben Harper a year ago. And it was one of the best nights of my career so far. Nothing could have prepared me for any of it. Or for what came in its wake.
We all experience moments when time stands still and you are forced to reevaluate everything. Last year was such a year. Things shift so easily, we seem to think. When the truth is that life doesn’t change ‘in front of our eyes’, we simply stopped looking or caring about what was always there. Right there, screaming and shouting for a bit of attention.
We are all losing our minds a little bit. Or perhaps that’s just me. The realisation that I placed myself in lockdown way before it was a thing…shocked me a bit. Social distancing, hellyeah. No one touches me unless I allow it and if I don’t need to leave my home….I won’t. But why? And that’s what I spent the last few months figuring out.
India and the lockdown made me realize that my desires are not outlandish. All I need is a home that feels like music. Home being a place and a person that fills me with all kinds of warmth.
Yeah, so I opened for him a year ago and man did I hustle for flights, accommodation, food and everything else. I was given tickets to sell which I simply couldn’t. This is the downside of working alone. Still, it just makes the story even cooler to tell. And ther are some really cool things that happened along the way.
Did I think my life would alter as a result? Not really. I simply couldn’t think further ahead. And now a year has passed. I am ready to get into studio with all the new music. Of course I have no idea where the money will come from….but since when has that ever stopped me eh? I can hear Noel saying that I shouldn’t mention things like that. But seriously, we all struggle. It’s how we deal with it that matters. And deal I have.
If someone had asked me at the start of 2019 where I see myself a year from now the answer would have been easy. In a year’s time, living in France with my person. In fact I was looking forward to Christmas and was considering settling down. Family, home, the entire thang, but life happened. As it must. Or does it really? Again, was I really paying attention? The answer is a solid no. I could have avoided so many things, but regret is not a number I call often.
Do you know what I have learnt? I cannot do things in the same manner as I always have. This time round I cannot work alone. Aside from it being tiring, I need ears I can trust and someone who has my back regardless. That’s the career bit. In my personal life? Honestly, that is being placed on hold. Love is great and makes the world feel like a better place but right now that is not a priority. I just wanna make music and travel. Meet people, eat great food and see more of the world. Love must come and find me as I have no desire to get out there again.
When my daughter was small she’d look at me and say, ‘Mummy, you have no more fun juices left…’ That explains perfectly how I feel. It’s not the concerns around money that bother me as much as the lack of stimuli does. It’s the ‘something else’ that hasn’t entered the room. Along with the realisation that I can no longer make my family central to my life and well-being. It’s simply not enough. I know my Mother can see it when she looks at me. This…is not enough. But I am deeply grateful for every bit of it though.
Life has this way of always surprising. And that’s what I look forward to most. I hope you are doing the same…wherever you are. Things are shifting….as to where and in what state we will be, who knows? Just try to maintain whatever balance you can, as best you can. Let’s both be surprised by where we find ourselves a year from now.