At the end of each year I send friends a rather specific mail or text, a little prayer for them if you will.
In it one does encounter the usual suspects. Hope and love above all. Of course I add in some titbits that is just for them. Yeah, I pray a lot and being a musician means….we are always meditating, thinking about people we love and care for. Or at times want to ..you know…kill off in a rather spectacular manner.
And this year has been trying for so many, myself included. As I sat outside in the sun to offer those prayers to the gods, before mailing, texting and calling, I thought about what I want to offer the world in 2020. Just what would being at my best feel like? In order to answer that question I needed to take a careful look at my many flaws…
I am convinced I was an adviser to some powerful people in many past lives. As that is where I always find myself when I am not making music. I am listening to everyone. Or am called up when friends are in a bind. In short, I am always the diplomat. I know what to say and when. And I seldom loose my shit. This has not always served me well.
I am too calm, too nice and forgiving. Instead of stating how I feel…I wait, I watch and then speak. And when I feel anger or rage, I write music to cope with whatever volcanic emotions are threatening to overwhelm me. I try my best to be a damn lady….in control of what I feel and who is at my side.
Of course I am surrounded by friends who are all rooted in earth and fire. They are bold, strong and unapologetic. And so the real lesson I am learning to master is to speak and own my anger and outrage and not only reserve those torrid emotions for music. It’s okay to lose control every now and then. Not only because I am always safe and loved….but because it is needed. The release of energy is vital and cannot remain trapped in my body because I am to busy being diplomatic. Or else I am the one who suffers, who is ill at ease.
What struck me most was this….it is not only the crazy stuff that I suppress, but even the extent of love I feel for others. Oh damn, you think I like you now do you fool? You. Have. No. Damn. Clue…just how far and deep the waters move inside me. That kinda thing is what I need to share with those I love.
I have told people often that the music I write and listen to are all clues as to where my heart is. But people are lazy and I am not the most transparent human being when love decides to pay a visit. And so I sit and write music and hope that whatever comes out of my mouth gives me a clue as to what it is I am feeling. This usually works and reminds me of a Ben Harper quote where the Harpster said that all one can do when writing music is be honest. Also, it is the reason why I don’t write music at times. Gods man! A lady can only cope with so much.
Right. Back to 2020 and how I have decided to show up in the world. Forget hope and joy blah blah blah. In 2020, I choose to feel fear and move through it regardless. Not with introspection or diplomacy…but with the power of raging oceans instead. State it. Own it. Burn houses down with my rage if needs be. And open the doors to my being to those who I chose to love, despite the fear or doubt.
So just how are you gonna show up in 2020 for those you love and care for eh? Think about that before you taste your…uhm…third glass of whiskey…