Silence isn’t golden as the song says. It never is. This coming from a musician who only by composing and performing music learnt how to speak…
Tonight’s conversation with my Mother left me feeling highly disturbed. She recalled an incident where I was under one year of age, faked sleep and cried with joy when I heard her call my name. ‘I knew that I had to remove you from the lady taking care of you then…’ Now, when she said that…I felt like crying, the same feeling came rushing back.
What the hell happened at that young age to cause me to conclude that being silent is the equivalent of being safe?
I recall staring at a door and wondering what would happen if I ran down the road, stopped a random person and asked where the nearest police station was. ‘What the fuck is going on?’ I kept asking myself in that second. I opted to remain silent, wait it out and then…when no one was looking and thought the scene was clear….only then I fled. And I never looked back. After that incident I decided two things – no one will ever make me feel unsafe again or speak to me the way I was spoken to then.
And….no one has since.
Being able to share silence and intimacy with another is what I value most in all my friendships. The minute I cannot speak freely or feel I have to tiptoe around another – fuckit I am out.
As far as I am able to I have tried to explain my way of thinking and being to others. Now I am just tired. Do you have any idea how many people there are in this world? Why the sweet general fuck would I waste another second of my time around people who leave me feeling unsafe and with so much uncertainty? Why? After all the shit I have seen and been through?
My Mother’s advice remains with me always. I won’t allow anyone to steal my Joy. After all, there are still some rather amazing people out there to meet. Wonderful experiences to be had and music to make. Weddings to attend, babies that will be born, bad jokes to make, whiskey to drink, lovely men to kiss, an entire world to visit and so much food to sample. That’s what I chose to focus on. I learnt my lessons from my past.
I am ready for the good stuff…and I know the good stuff can smell me coming!