We’ve heard it all before: let go of your past or you will be doomed to live there. Or just move on already!. All the clichés about letting go annoy me because they are so true! But bladdy hell, it is one of the hardest things to do.
Here’s my crazy logic. I know how the universe works. If you can’t move past a stumbling block, things and people find you in order for you to let go. Most of the time it is a rather violent process as lives are turned upside down and there’s so much drama involved! Knowing this – I asked regardless, I invited the energy freely in. Being at peace with whatever comes – even if it meant my life falling apart – again. I was willing to risk it as being stuck brought me more pain than I could articulate in music.
Being true to yourself means being true to others, said my shaman Jen a few months ago. Now the ‘being true to others’ bit I found easy, but being true to myself and what I really needed? I had no idea where to start. Here’s the one small secret about me not many know. I am eternally optimistic and very good at lying to myself. Regardless of what advice is given, or what I see and know to be true.
“But getting hurt happens so often because one creates a particular image of, or for the future, as if this trajectory, this “one day” is the most important thing of all. It is not. This is what seduces people into being false to each other, making promises for a “one day” over which they have no control. And that’s why what I offer – God, it’s so very little I know, but it’s so precious to me – is now….But isn’t this, in the final analysis, all that we, as humans, can be certain about?” Flame in the Snow.
The moment of now only came crashing into me after Doug passed, and with it all the choices I failed to make. “Love is a perpetual striving, unending uncertainty and insecurity, an everlasting act of creation.” said Oswald Schwartz. Replace the word love with life instead . I grew weary of longing, aching, begging and finding meaning to it all in music alone. Yet in order to be the experience-er of another way of being letting go was needed.
Only after letting go did another epiphany strike. How did I miss the most important part of all the clichés? Letting go brings peace, and that is what I needed most. Yes, more mistakes will be made. However, I am determined to make mistakes of a new and special kind! My morning routine now includes consciously reminding myself of the commitment I made. Every choice and action be imbued with a richness, wildness and depth I cannot be without. A wildness and incandescence that does not need to be expressed in music or articulated with words alone.
If the moment of NOW is all I have then it’s best I appreciate what is gifted to me, the people, the events, the music – without expectation. Instead I arm myself with only this – Hope. The hope and faith that I will always have what I need while I work towards what I want. In short all I can do is ‘live so that life [my life] itself is a kind of prayer, a reflection, a kind of thankfulness…’