We somehow always get what we need. Perhaps its the universe conspiring or the echo of gunshots ricocheting as we whisper small bits of nothingness to ourselves in our aloneness. Still, the moment arrives, when we know…I asked for this and here it is. Or I begged for this to not happen and here it is.
My transition into 2020 was gentle. There were no shooters being ordered as bodies shook off the drought and thunderstorms that was 2019. No, we spent it on the ‘stoep’ of a friend’s home, the smell of a fire crackling, the aroma of a pot of akhni luring us back into our collective pasts, while we listened to Noel’s top 50 tunes of 2019 play. That got me to thinking…
If I had to sum up my life in one song it would be Nina singing Please Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood. I have this overwhelming need to know what makes people tick. Perhaps, so I know how to navigate my way around them. Perhaps to write music that is true…but mostly because if I understand their darkness, faults and flaws, I am closer to accepting my own.
I came across a comment about Scorpio’s and how we unknowingly invite people with some seriously fucked up energy into our lives. We somehow believe that our love can redeem, can offer hope…and we give everything we have. Scorpios are transformers and nothing about is is light or fluffy. How else to be in order to see into the darkness and still come up for air? Now, our laughter and carefree attitude, that has to be earned. Or else we are intense 100% of the time. While I love being of service to people, I am tired of the seriously fucked up in my life. The lesson is discernment and pay to see a therapist dude.
None of us can escape ourselves, our faults or our past. Accept them yes. I cannot escape the ‘me’ I am. No matter how many books I read, songs I write or my numerous attempts to understand others. At best I can ask for is the arrival of other energie to expand my understanding or give perspective. The idea of experiencing more of the same of 2019….musically or emotionally would kill me.
And this is why I stayed in bed and watched series instead. In the last few days so many unspoken feelings were shared – to my great relief. I have said all I could say. Done my best under the circumstances. Made peace, reconciled and now can breathe easier. I just needed a day to take it all in.
I might not be able to change things in my past but I refuse to repeat mistakes. And on the off chance I do, will treat myself in a more gentle manner. That’s enough for now. After all it’s only the first of January. There’s an entire year of the astounding waiting for me…