At this time each year I write a little post about the things I discovered about myself, small insights or epiphanies. So here goes!
I am not as crazy as I initially suspected! Now this is a major revelation. As humans we always search for mistakes, our failings and try to justify our actions. I am not as crazy as I imagined….and my friends and The Mexican made me realize this. I grew accustomed to living in my past, or in the present of another’s pain, even as I tried helping them and myself see clearly. Composing music requires I delve deeper into that darkness in order to uncover some greater truth or a lie at the center of it all. Or so I told myself. The epiphany that I do no have to lose myself to my own pain or that of another set the tone for 2018.
I do believe it is called detachment, that painful process of removing the knives from your back while trying not to bleed out on the floor. Detaching oneself from the scene of the crime is not easy but essential if one wants to let go and move ahead. No man is an island yes, but I no longer need to wade in bloody waters while sharks circle just to prove there’s land ahead. 2018 taught me that I can stand at the edge of the crimson smeared cliff and ask….is this true? Is this an accurate depiction of who I am?
A startling revelation: I am very capable of being loved and loving another. For many years I enjoyed being the girl who runs away from men. It allowed me to write music filled with such longing while I never placed myself at risk. It has been 8 years since I allowed anyone to love me. Sure there were flings, sparks and fire fire lust but…raging, passionate love? I enjoyed singing about it more than allowing the fires to consume and transform me. Those days are over. Each day a small part of the past I clung on to ignites as I laugh with My Mexican, share music and make ludicrous confessions no one needs to hear!
I am ready to experience More. The More I am speaking of includes everything! Music is transcendental but meaningless without love. And not the silly 16 year old kind of love either. A love where the curvatures of our relationship are clearly defined, conflict strategies discussed and choices are made from that space. Also Music is pointless without balance I realized – in all spheres of one’s life!
I still love the beach, the lagoon, driving at night while listening to music, the company of my friends, great food, whiskey and sitting for hours with Gilda as she shares recipes and gives advice. Yet, 2018 asked me only one question: what kind of life do you want to live? I have no bucket list items as far as my career is concerned. I have decided to achieve and experience them instead. Or be very surprised by the More that comes along. Music is my deepest calling after all.
With every thought and action I am calling in only two things: a greater expression of who I am and discernment to see me through it all